


Where'd you go?

by NeighborhoodAlien



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BAMF Leia Organa, Ben Solo being a little shit, Childhood Memories, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Comfort, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Force-Sensitive Poe Dameron, Good Parent Han Solo, Han Solo Lives, Hurt No Comfort, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Being a Little Shit, M/M, Minor Leia Organa/Han Solo, Misuse of the Force, Past Character Death, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Psychological Torture, Recovered Memories, Redeemed Ben Solo, Repressed Memories, The Force, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Young Ben Solo, for a while, why don't you fucking @ me Rian Johnson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:32:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5681605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeighborhoodAlien/pseuds/NeighborhoodAlien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>im sorry im a fucker</p>
    </blockquote>





	Where'd you go?

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry im a fucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some memories you don't get rid of

  "Stop making fun of my hair!" Poe smacks Ben’s hand off his head and glares at the other boy, eyes wide and staring back at him.

  "I wasn't making fun of it, I called it cute you stupid flyboy!" 9 year old Ben shouts, his face is red but he spits the word at him in a way that makes Poe’s ears burn red.

   It’s something he’s heard Leia call Han on more than one occasion when yelling got louder and louder, trying to drown each other out as they went in circles around the rebel base. He knows it’s an insult, but Ben doesn’t try to apologize so he feels pretty frigging justified in throwing his fist until his feet leave the ground.

  “Hey hey-” Han shouts, grabbing Poe by the waist with a warm hand and holding Ben back with his other on spread on Ben’s forehead. Poe squeals, kicking out his feet until they brush against the knees of Ben’s pants, _he was so close_ to just- punching Ben in his _smug face- “Hey!_ That’s enough!”

  Ben almost immediately pushes his dad’s hand off after getting a few steps back, wiping his forehead like he’d been contaminated or something and Poe rolls his eyes, hanging limply from Han’s arm. Ben gazes at him as his dad puts him down, watching him like a hawk with his _big nose-_

  “I can hear you Poe.”

  “No you can’t!”

  “No he can’t- can he?” Han glances back and Poe nearly dies as he sees Leia had been watching him the whole time.

  If he hadn’t wanted to sink from Han’s grasp to the floor before than he sure as nerf wants to now. Leia was like a mom to him just like Han a dad. So imagine that he couldn’t ever understand why Ben always had to fricking _pick on him. All the time_ . He didn’t do anything the the other boy except try to be his friend _one time_ when he just _might’ve_ called him Benny and laughed when Ben’s face got all red _and the other boy just never let it go._

  “Shouldn’t. Probably does.” Leia shrugs, a warm smile on her face from where she leans against the entry to their house and Ben smiles back with a wide grin that has both Poe and Han rolling their eyes.

  Han finally lets him down, setting a hand on his head as he lets out a gruff noise that sounds something like a laugh and Poe grins as Ben frowns back at them.

   “Too much like your brother.” Han shakes his head, “But I wonder who he got that insult from?” The older man turns and Leia raises an eyebrow, turning on her shoulder to swivel back in the house.

  Han trails after her and Poe can hear their loud, teasing conversation from the warm yellow light through the open door. That leaves Poe standing there, unsure if he can follow, with Ben who’s rocking back and forth on his heels from the corner of his eye.

  He crosses his arms and Ben stops moving back and forth, taking a step forward instead. Poe holds back a groan and a wrinkled nose as Ben gets closer. A small hand touches his face and he glances up to meet Ben’s dark eyes, twinkling and crinkled at the corners with amusement.  Poe dares him silently to laugh as he feels his face heat up. All it takes is a puff of Ben’s cheeks, and Ben cracks.

  He snorts and Poe hits him in the stomach.

 #####

 

   "Shut up, I could've done this without you, you harpy!" Ben shoves him with an elbow that hits him mid arm. Their newfound height difference doesn’t make him smile like it usually would, teasing after Ben about how he’d become a beanstalk or leaning into his best friends side and sliding up under his arm.

  No, he can’t because-

  “I just… wanted to know if you think she’ll like it. S’all.” Ben mumbles and Poe feels like a dick as he takes in the blush high on his best friends cheeks and the way he gazes down like this is important to him.

   He guesses it is. Poe couldn’t get Ben to shut his mouth about the damn pilot he was setting all this up for. He listened about her beautiful curls that got looser as they grew older and curled over her forehead down to her brow and her dark eyes that Ben liked to watch as they glowed in the starlight _cause she must’ve hung every single one by herself._

  Poe knew he was selfish. Knew he should care more about Ben’s new girl and the way talking about her lit up his eyes, feel honored to be apart of something that made him _so happy_ \- But he looks up at Ben, catches his eyes as he looks at the walk ahead of him, the sharp jaw filling out but his soft cheeks still lingering. Every beauty mark marking a connection for constellations that Poe dreams of following. He just wanted a fistful of black hair pulled back in a tight ponytail…

  And she got that. The irony of it all being that she was just like him, some dumb pilot that Ben had no business caring for.

  "Poe."

   He snaps his gaze away from the side of Ben’s face before Ben can catch him staring.

   But he doesn't want to look up at their tree the familiar path had led him to. He knew what every little curve looked like and he didn’t know if Ben was just trying to ease him into change or what but _he could take it_.

  His eye’s land on their tree, twinkling like Ben’s eyes with it’s limbs tangled in little lights. A bushel of Ithorian roses, his favorite and damn near impossible to get on Yavin, planted fresh in the soil, blue dirt unsettled around it. It already latched on to the tree, sinking it’s thorns into the soft bark and Poe almost sighs. Sometimes Ben looking up to him for advice almost felt like a stab in the back.

  Tears prick his eyes, threatening to spill with a green envy he can feel twisting in his stomach and a jealousy that takes up his head as he imagines Ben swinging the girl in the air. Like he does Poe, the way the world feels weightless when he gets his arms around you, the way it feels like it just doesn't exist as your feet dangle above it. Nothing but stupid smiles and resonating laughter that rattled his ribs. When Ben put him down, he could only look away, trying his hardest not to fall more in love with his best friend than he already had, he already messed up. And now she’d be the only one that could make Ben smile.

  He could see it now, polite laughter and all when Ben can only see the star system in her eyes.

 The twinkling lights blur into fuzzy, blinking circles and he clears his throat, looking away.

 “You did…” Poe coughs again and looks back up at Ben. Ben who frowns at him, clearly worried about his watery eyes. Poe smiles and wipes them away. “Really _really good._ Has me a little bit jealous Ben.” It’s not a full lie but his forced tone doesn’t sell it on Ben who opens his mouth.

 "Poe I-"

 "M'sure she'll love it." He tries his best to mean it but the real truth would lie in the honesty of admitting he does not give a damn about some dumb pilot. It’s just harder to tack on an _and Ben._

  That’s why he does everything, wakes up every day and endures aching heartbreak like this. For Ben, Ben and always Ben.

  He kicks himself as he turns on his heel, facade breaking as he tries out a broken whistle before a heavy hand snatches his wrist. Poe squeezes his eyes shut at the touch. He digs his heels into the grass and Ben tugs lightly. The heat from his skin pulses through to Poe’s. He feels a glimpse of _hope_  but he keeps his head down.

 “Ben?”

   He gets that world spinning, world is nothing feeling again when Ben tugs enough to turn him around and he gets that stars in eyes when he meets Ben’s, a look on his face like Poe is the only thing he can see. He yelps when he’s pulled rather aggressively closer than he’s used to, pressed close to Ben’s firm chest and chapped lips press against his softly.

  He’s seventeen going on eighteen when he tastes a bittersweet graling juice on Ben’s lips and realizes that he _really_ likes Ithorian roses.

  Seventeen when he realizes that he had Ben in the palm of his hand when he waxed poetry about seeing them in illustrations. He might as well have had stars in his eyes from the way that Ben had taken to looking at him.

  He opens his eyes when Ben pulls back with a loud smack and a shiny string of saliva connecting their mouths and he keeps his mouth open, looking intently over every feature of Ben's face so he can memorize it in case it’s a dream that’ll make it all go warped at the corners. Ben watches Poe watching him, nervously, dark brown eyes flickering across before coming back to try and catch his gaze and instead Poe maps out angles and long lines and dark little stars on milky white skin.

  He comes to the bow of Ben’s lips, still with each panting breath he takes, and before he can get too distracted, he takes a breath and slaps Ben across the face. Ben drops him back to his feet, immediately clutching his cheek instead.

  Ben stares at him with wide eyes, blinking and drawing his hand away from his reddening cheek.

  “Poe!” Ben squawks indignantly, blinking like he’s not sure what to think, emotions just passing right over his face, Poe grins wider, “You hit me!”

  “Yeah- yeah I did that. Never, _ever_ , make me cry again.” He mutters the last part, pulling Ben back down by his stupid ponytail and whispering against his lips. “You should’ve got your ass found out when you started harping on about my _beautiful curls.”_

  Ben reddens, nodding and reaching a to tug a curl, twirling it around his finger.

  “One day you will see that your eyes hold the universe in which I feel safe to become lost in.” Ben kisses him lightly, a small peck against his lips. Then the other boy stares down at him with so much sincerity that he feels the retort die on his tongue, the reality sinking into his shoulders. He can’t find words, words to reciprocate, so for the first time he uses the only words that come close.

  “I love you Ben Solo.”

#####

 

  Poe’s nineteen and trying to get ready for flight practice when Ben charges him, the impact of his shoulder against his hip punching a laugh from his throat.

  He hits the bed behind him, the sinewy muscles that have grown on Ben pinning him with a slinking ease as his lover presses kisses along his throat.

  “You’re gorgeous.” Ben monotones, his voice trailing to a groan as Poe lightly scrapes over his naked shoulders, his grip leaves Poe’s wrists and long fingers twist in their sheets.

  “You aren’t making me late for flight practice Ben,” He curls up on his elbows, tucking a strand of hair behind Ben’s ear, “No matter what tricks you go in those jedi trousers of yours.”

  Ben follows him with his eyes as he leans back, his smirk mirroring Poe’s as he raises a brow. Poe raises one back when Ben ignores him in favor of nestling back in the junction of his neck where it meets his shoulder and starts pressing light kisses that contrast the bruising grip that finds his sides.

   “Come on Ben,” His muscles strain under Ben’s fingers, “Ben baby-”

   Ben doesn't reply, his fiance instead mouths lightly at his collarbone, gazing up at him as Poe watches back from lidded eyes. A sharp bite here and a long, hot lick there and Poe would be just the slightest bit upset if he wasn’t so infatuated with the searing hand skimming his hip. Nails trace the bone with a featherlight touch, contrasting the dark eyes burning into his own. He holds Ben’s gaze and juts out his lip.

  “Bennyy-” He half whines, mostly grumbles. He’s fighting a losing fight here, and either way he has the very high, very scary possibility of pissing off a Solo, but he craves the hungry look his lover gives him, devouring him with his eyes and almost daring him to get up and go.

  “Ten minutes?” Ben murmurs against his skin, kissing lightly once more and as his gaze drifts to Poe’s skin for a heartbeat he feels robbed.

  “Nine.” He counters with a sigh, falling back into their bed in defeat. The rough sheets burn against his tense skin but he welcomes the cool touch.

  “Death of me baby.” He speaks again, voice raspy and Ben chuckles.

  “You don’t put up much a fight for someone who’s dying.” He retorts, crawling back up over him and a small nip to his nose sparks the hair of his neck into raising.

  “I’d let you do anything to me,” Ben’s eyes snap away from the hand that wound into his curls and Poe relishes in the intensity of them drawing back to his face before continuing, “My heart you could hold your fancy lightstick to my throat and I don’t think I could ever stop loving you. Can’t imagine fighting you.”

  Ben swallows, his pupils almost encompassing his dark irises.

   “I would never hurt you Poe Dameron.” Ben inhales as Poe exhales, stretching languidly like a loth cat bathing smugly in sunlight, his own sun radiating body heat over him.

  Ben follows him on his elbows, laying over him and his weight is a welcomed one, cushioned over him.

  “Then what are you ever going to do with me, _Ben?_ ” Poe whispers back in his face.

  “Think I might be getting around to that fucking I was promising you.” Poe shivers as Ben curses, his lips curving around the word and the excitement curls in his stomach into a tight coil. He can’t help but smile, tugging his lip between his teeth and worrying the skin.

  “Don’t make empty threats with me.” He bites back, bringing his arms back from over his head to dig his nails back into Ben’s shoulders as Ben kisses at the corners of his smile.

  "When have I ever done that?" Ben says against his cheek between kisses up to his brow, hands trailing down Poe’s sensitive sides.

  "I could think of a few times..." He replies absently, gasping in a breath as Ben swoops down to bite the tip of his ear.

  "Now's not one of those times." Ben assures, hot breath coasting over the shell of his ear and he feels the shivers come back over his spine just as thumbs hook into the waistband of his briefs and slowly start the tug downward.

  "Oh really?" He’s breathless now, relishing in the small moments between the lick over the curved edge of his ear and a hot breath cooling it until he curls his toes.

  Ben leans up, gazing at his tense expression, almost already pulled taut from sensation. Long, nimble fingers go ahead to tug further until his heavy cock comes out with a bounce to slap at Ben's stomach, pearled precome smears between the two of them. Ben grins as Poe flushes, shaking his head with that hungry smile.

  "No."

#####

 

 Poe never got to see his Ben after that.

  He had walked into flight practice that day with weak legs and a very complacent General’s son with a hand wrapped around his hip, both very much owning ten minutes late. Leia had greeted Ben with a smile, tugging her beaming son down to kiss his forehead and then smack the back of it. Poe got by with a knowing look that made his cheeks burn and a sneaked pinch on the ass.

   He knew Ben had been troubled by his Jedi teachings from his uncle, particularly the learnings of their demise as he had described to him with a glint in his eye that Poe couldn’t decipher before it flickered out as he brought up his grandfather. Poe had held him as he shook, but he’d been happy to let him go the next morning, a matching smile on both of their faces as his lover trailed out of the room, knowing he’d come home to him that night.

  Ben’s smile was nowhere to be found when Poe woke back up to him sitting back on the bed already fully donned in his robes, staring his boots. He frowned, crawling up to kneel behind Ben and drop his chin on his shoulder. Ben let his head rest back against Poe so he snuck one arm over his shoulder and collarbone, the other sneaking up to tug through his thick hair.

   Ben groaned in his arms, baring his throat in a way that made Poe squirm. He remembers pressing hot kisses against his skin, relishing in the breathy noises escaping his lips, the stiff muscles of his back melting against him like warm putty and Poe had really felt his heart expand as Ben mumbled sweet nothings against his neck where he’d turned to nuzzle and they became sweet everythings to him.

  But then Ben had to leave, a swift knock at their door had Poe unlatching from his Ben to fall back into the sheets. Ben gave him a bemused glance over his shoulder as he laced his boots, an expression Poe had answered with a grin. He got a swift kiss that devolved into several kisses across his face and cheeks. He had giggled, pushing and pulling Ben as he pleased until Han had popped his head in the room, unimpressed with the brow his son raised and the wink Poe gave, rolling his eyes and circling a finger.

  Ben had groaned, collapsing on Poe and Han groaned in response, telling them something along the lines of growing up and clothing up before he left them alone with a gruff _‘ten minutes’_.

  After it was all over, he held his tingling lips, a dumb struck smile on his face and scalp still pleasantly burning from fistfuls grabbed and yanked. His thighs ached, his hips were gripped to bruise and rebruise, and Ben had searched until he could find another place to sink his teeth, a new blossoming mark left on the hinge of his jaw. He couldn’t smile at Ben now, but he stayed in bed until the sun rose then smiled at their ruffled sheets. BB-8 nudged his hand dangling off the bed, beeping until he broke away from his paradise. The sweat had cooled and as he fumbled off to grab a quick shower, the heat dissipated but the memories did not.

  Because even two weeks later he walked with a featherlight heart, smiling a hardy grin at every single person he passed in the hall on the way to his practice. _Stars_ he was walking on air… Then a hand grabbed his arm, hurried whispers of ‘ _Ben Solo’, ‘Temple-’_  and ‘ _Accident’._ That feather heart plucked apart, feathers flying out from under the wreckage of his heart dropping to his stomach. They tickled his throat until they clogged.

  He didn’t notice where he’d been lead, his mind focusing on memories that he desperately tried to recall because where they’d previously been crystal clear in his mind, they now scattered.  He saw Ben’s eyes and heard a stray ‘ _I love you Poe Dameron-’_ and he had tears in his eyes as Leia Organa engulfed him in a hug with whispered apologies, like she was apologizing that he’d ever fallen in love with her supernova of a son.

  He wouldn’t have to worry about being showing up to flight practice late again, no worrying about fading bruises or aching legs, and definitely no worrying about what he’d leave behind as he flew amongst the stars.

  Now he left nothing, he had nothing, a star he’d held too close had now blown up and he’d been too close to avoid casualty but too far to prevent it at all. He had lost the love of his life, and he knew, was old enough to understand- that a piece of him died with Ben Solo.

#####

 

  Those were his memories, the ones he’d had to collect from the wreck he had became after Ben’s death, an abrupt force bond broken left him sensitive and frayed, vulnerable to the utter malice radiating off Kylo Ren in a way that left his stomach rolling. Something sparks in the ruins of his bond and immediately he’s left on edge. They’re something he doesn’t really think he could get exactly get over the Sith taking from him. And that’s putting everything lightly. There’s no doubt in his mind the Sith would rip him apart if given the chance and a flimsy reason. And he wouldn’t just not get over it all being stomped over, no he would be left in as a burning remnant, fizzling in ashes.

   But again, lightly put, he’s terrified. At the hands of Kylo Ren, he’s at the hands of the same man that had already once tore out his heart. He’s terrified of throwing what he has left of Ben into the flames, letting Kylo finish what he had started, erasing him entirely. But more and more walls are torn down and he’s screaming so loud he can barely hear his own voice in his head. Walls in the wrong direction, too close to BB-8 beeping at him as the village on Jakku burned, BB-8 accepting the plans, rolling away-

  The Resistance.

He flings up another wall, one built from a memory of Leia Organa.

 

_Leia had to hold back her laughter in a shaking frame as Han dragged in Poe and Ben. They were sopping, covered almost head to toe in mud and wet rain. Poe smiled as Ben scuffed his head, flinging a glob of mud from his hair down to slap against the ground. They turned, together, looking up at Han who frowned to hide a smile and then Leia burst into a fit._

 

  Kylo’s hand falters, shakes, then he presses harder. Poe grits his teeth under the excruciating pain of Kylo prying his mind apart like putty. The pause, he tries to focus on the pause and what it had meant, the hope, a spark, a fire, _small victories._

 He drags it on.

 

_"He started it!"_

_Poe’s eyes crinkle, he laughs through Ben blaming him and smiles though Ben gapes at him. He barely manages to smack Ben on the arm, pretending barely to be upset and he knows he fell flat as Ben sweeps him off his feet into a muddy hug. Leia and Han laughing echoed in his ears._

 

  Kylo rips away his hand, shoulders heaving and Poe can almost feel the heat radiating off the glare he’s got to be shooting his way from under his mask. He feels the irritation, but ignores it and takes a gasp of breath that seemed to be escaping him. He doesn’t have much time but- _small victories._ One breath, heavy, ripping at his raw throat, one exhale.

    _Back to work- distractions._

   “Did you find what you’re looking for Darth Dick?” Not his smoothest one, but blood starts tinging at his tastebloods and he really wants to vomit, luxuries he doesn’t have yet again in favor of breathing.

   He continues with a sigh that really _hurts._

  “Do I need to give you some motivation? ‘S that how your rustbuckets give it to ya? Little bit’tof- bit of blood, got that going, screams of terror? Check.” Kylo straightens. “Don’t think I could give you tears. You’re not there yet- up your game.” Poe spits out a bit of blood to the side, maintaining as much eye contact as he can with that dumb mask.

  Kylo is back at full height from where he’d taken a few steps back. Poe can feel the chills back, heightening his senses as his hair stands up on the back of his neck. He can’t scoot away now, his only range of movement being that small head turn, but he does press back flat in a pretty valiant attempt.

  The frayed bond tingles either way, like alarm bells in case he didn’t notice the damn murder machine prowling closer, back in his face in an instant.

   Kylo’s head tilts to the side, almost as if regarding him. Not cautiously, Poe doesn’t think, but a gaze he can’t decipher as he takes Poe in. He’s so focused on trying not to breathe too hard that he barely notices the fingers slowly raising back up to his face. But he does, and he throws another memory.

_“Ben get down from there!” Poe cries again, he has to tilt his head back now to watch Ben climb farther. The sun gets in his eyes but he shields it with a hand. “You’re gonna hurt yourself you dumb harpy!”_

_He’d tried so hard to get Ben not to be an idiot for once in his life, but Ben had seen the tears he’d tried to hide and it was like a little Poe defense squadron had been sent off in his head anyway and he used his frigging force power stuff to keep him at bay until he was at least ten feet up the tree Poe had launched his disk Chewie had given him. It had meant a lot ot him, Chewie growling something about being careful and playing with Ben maybe that he had cut off with launching himself into the Wookie’s arms._

_“I have to get your stupid disk, you dumb flyboy!” Ben yells back, stopping to crane his head down to look at him over his arm._

_“I can live without it, stupid!” He screams, he can see it now, a missed step or a slippery branch. “I can’t live without you!”_

_“So you do love me!” Ben crows back._

_Poe flushes, glaring at Ben from where he can see him but Ben only answers him with a blinding grin, not moving an inch and obviously waiting for an answer back._

_His best friend on the ground teasing him, or falling to the ground, still probably teasing him._

_“So what if I do!” He shouts back and Ben whoops, throwing something that bounces between branches until it hits the ground._

_Poe looks at the disk, squinting._

_“I love you Poe Dameron!” Ben sing songs back, swinging down the branches with a little bit too much ease and Poe feels his ears burning hot._

_His best friend lands on the ground next to him with a solid ‘oompf’._

_“Will you ever forgive me?” Ben whispers when Poe doesn’t say anything._

_Poe glances up, and Ben of course is grinning._

_“Which branch was it on.” Ben digs a foot into the dirt, grin still smarmy and way too pleased with himself and how he made Poe blush._

_“Ben.”_

_“First one.”_

_He had screeched, stomping off with disk in hand and Ben Solo in tow, dragged along with a small hand fisted in his shirt, all the while Ben laughing about how his best friend loved him._

 

kylo’s hand shakes. something in  the back of his head warns him to stop.

he keeps going.

 

_“I think,” Ben mumbles, staring at the moon through their open window that spills a light blue light over his features that Poe traces with finger. “That I might love you forever, Poe Dameron.”_

_Poe feels a giddy feeling, smiling dumbly at Ben as he traces his lips with that one hand and squeezing Ben’s fingers intertwined with his other. The sweat dried on them slowly, but the occasional breeze through the window had drawn them impossibly closer from where they’d been inches apart. He felt bare, on display, but he had kissed Ben on one of his beauty marks, hand on his face curling to cup his jaw as he leaned in to whisper back._

_“You promise?”_

_Ben chuckles, and that rumbling sound makes Poe smile wider until his cheeks almost hurt. He goes easy as Ben pulls him back on top of him, spreading his legs that sting in a small protest as he restraddles Ben’s thighs._

_“I’d never lie to you.” Ben says so quietly, open adoration in his eyes, so quietly that Poe strains to hear but it clicks and he leans back in for another kiss._

 

  He doesn’t end the memory but Kylo doesn’t make it past that wall, instead it’s like an explosion of overstimulation in his head, from two ends an explosion that leaves him wailing like a wounded bantha, his mind burning.

  Black spots cloud his vision, creeping in like they’re taking over and he almost lets them, his mind slowing to a fizzle just as quick as it’d lit ablaze.

  Somewhere in the recess, a loud thump echoes.

  He has to pry open his own eyes. That opens him to a whole slew of senses, like the blood wetting his nostrils until he realized that ice cold pain would only be remedied by breathing through his still raw throat. Then the blood coursing steadily in a small trickle from his nose had pooled in his open mouth and he wasn’t ready to make the decision between swallowing and spitting but he made it quick when he realized that he’d brought Kylo to his knees in front of him. The spit’s not as satisfying as he’d hoped, instead mostly dribbling down the open neck of his shirt.

   He’d take the moment to catch his breath but he lets it seesaw in attempt to catch up, refocusing on any possible defense, distractions…

  “So I think, you got more blood. But not quite tears.” He sniffs, it burns. Everything fucking burns. “A good go.”

   Kylo straightens like Poe shot him in the spine. A hand still grips his jaw but Poe sees the other flexing his fingers against his knee.

   Poe’s fingers on a hand begin to itch.

  _Stop._

 His mother had told him, before she had left him, that one day- his patience and the lack of it was going to get get him one of two things.

 The force bond lingering in his head like it’d been stitched there starts to unfurl.

 He was either going to need it, and since he never used it enough to decently fake it, it was going to get him stuck somewhere.

**_get out_ **

Or, it was going to get him killed, she told him. And then she kept brushing the heady mud off his skin from where Ben Solo had wrestled him to the ground.

  The dark locks that had poured from that tight helmet surprised him as they shielded the Sith’s face. Familiar, he notes. And again, he thinks, that his mom had it wrong. The first time she had, it was when she said everything would be alright after she passed. And now, he knows it wasn’t going to be the death of him.

  Kylo stands, straightening to the full 6, 6’3 of his height. Poe presses back again, blinking as he waits for his eyes to adjust to the movement of darkness on darkness, the outline of Kylo’s form stepping back into the darker edge of the room.

  He’s seen hesitation in his squadron, a split second became everything when you faced the First Order. He saw the consequences when one of them trembled, a second too long and they crashed. A blaster trigger too heavy on a finger and the informants they needed escaped. He knew hesitation well and had to train it out of himself, for the best performance he could give his squadron. To give the Resistance.

   But for a second, he hesitated in looking away. Kylo Ren didn’t, and he pushed his hair away from his face and stepped back into the light.

 Ben’s the one looking back at him.

**Author's Note:**

> im back, it's back, it's completely redone, and i have no excuse note
> 
> so I came back to this work for one very specific reason. Brian Johnson needed to be put in his place. (@ me u fuckr) No but really, I watched The Last Jedi and im 99% certain he read this. And the only reason this is still here is because I am very fond of it. I just had poor execution first go 'round so I'm back and more slippery than ever. Hopefully it's improved I mean :o


End file.
